Missing Mia intensely and anticipating this little one with excitement is a very strange mix of emotions. Any parent of multiple children can tell you that you love each child differently. Being pregnant doesn't take away a lick of missing my sweet little daughter.
After losing Mia, it was the most unnatural thing in the world to put away all the baby things we had so lovingly planned for her. It was startling to my body to stop caring for her. My feet would still take me to her room throughout the day without thinking. Derrick and I were immersed in caring for our precious little one. To go from getting up during the night to getting full nights of sleep was... well, extremely odd.
We knew almost immediately that we wanted another child. However, I knew I needed counseling to make sure we did this in a healthy way. My counselor told me with conviction, "You will love your next child for whoever they are, just like you love your boys differently. I expect you will get pregnant again- and soon. Mia knows much more than you do now and she would give you her full approval." Well, okay then! I never dreamed we would find out about a month later that we were pregnant with baby #4.
Imagine our surprise when the doctor set our due date at April 9, 2013- the day after Mia's birthday.
Since we have been telling people about our pregnancy, I often do it with tears in my eyes. Expecting this one solidifies Mia's absence. If Mia was not gone, we would never get to know this little one.
God knew all along. I rest in His knowledge of all things. I believe He planned this perfectly. Even though I never dreamed I would be dealing with pregnancy fatigue and grieving at the same time!