Wednesday, October 17, 2012
When your daddy and I brought you home from the hospital at two days old, I remember trembling with the responsibility of being a mom for the first time. I stood over your crib as you slept and I prayed that God would help me to raise you to know Him. I asked Him to help me parent you in such a way that you would be drawn to Him from an early age and that you would see how genuine my love for Him is.
I never imagined that we would experience such difficult times together. Your daddy and I faced some trials when you were too young to realize what was happening. However, you did get to ride in an ambulance when you were just three years old. What happened still makes me shudder- but God was faithful. You received wonderful medical care, and your finger healed better than the doctors expected. I had a very hard time watching you endure such physical pain. I wished that I could have had it all happen to me, instead.
We've had great blessings in your lifetime. How many dinners have we shared around our table where you asked, "Mom, Dad, Gavin, what was your favorite part of the day?" And when we asked you, you would say, "Right now. Having dinner with my family." You love to play with Gavin and to teach him new things, like how to climb into his crib to pretend you're both animal brothers.
You were so happy to have a sister born this year. You took tender care of her and you would hold her so gently. Sometimes you would bubble over with joy and exclaim, "Oh, what a cutie!" It was the hardest thing in the world to tell you that your darling little Mia was never coming home. You were angry. And you were so sad for weeks that you hardly spoke. It was so sad and so scary.
The months after Mia's death have been hard for you. Just two days ago, you yelled to me from the other room, "Mommy, I still miss Mia very much!" Today you asked me, "Will Mia live again?" At times you thought someone was hiding her, playing a very cruel joke. You just wanted your sister to come home again.
We've talked over and over about believing in Jesus' sacrifice for our sins and about knowing our need for Him, which will make it possible to be with Him and with Mia again one day. It doesn't make it easier though, does it?
Not only do you miss your sister, you see that your mommy has been sad and cries some days. That will change, Noah. I won't always be this sad. I miss Mia just like I would miss you or Gavin if you were not with me.
Sometimes you dissappear into the backyard and come back through the kitchen with a handful of purple flowers. I smile when you say, "Mommy, do you know why I picked these for you? It's because I love you." And you tell me, "Mom, you are so sweet. And you are a great mommy." I never expected to have you comforting me. I know that God smiles on your care for me, my son. Last week you brought me flowers three times!
Jesus said in the Bible that in our lives, we can expect more hard times. Your heart will be broken again. The only way I can rest while knowing that is because I know that God will be caring for you. I pray that you walk closely to your Good Shepherd- He will prepare your way and will protect you. There will be many blessings in this life, too. But don't get too comfortable here, Noah. God made us for Heaven to be with Him.
Yesterday, you asked me why I have an anchor on my necklace. That anchor represents hope. Hope is a confidence I have that God is who He says He is. That God will win over evil. That I already have eternal life and will one day have all my tears wiped away. We can live in perfect completion with Him when He calls us home- we will have everything we desire. He called Mia, and she knew her Shepherd's voice. He will call each of us home to be with Him. He won over Death and will one day destroy it forever. We don't need to be scared of dying if God is our Savior and Shepherd.
I love you, Noah. Your mommy is so proud of you, and nothing can take away my love for you! We will keep laughing and playing. I will pray for you and I will never stop telling you about God's goodness to us.
Anchored in Jesus,