Two nights ago I started to feel this little one in my belly kick for the first time. He is only 17 weeks in the making. This blog entry is not all about him, although I was very excited to start feeling him move. I’m so glad that new life is growing within me.
I have heard that with every child, a parent grows a new heart. As I mourn Mia not being here and rejoice over this new little one, the feeling that I have multiple hearts couldn't be more accurate.
Before bed that same night, Derrick was listening to and deleting voicemails on our phone- he didn't know I could hear them. As he went further and further down the list, some messages were from the days right after Mia died. One was from a dear friend offering help. Another from a friend who had just learned of our news. And the messages kept playing as my wounded heart for Mia was torn open again.
All the feelings of her death, of having her in our home, of not having her in our home... came rushing back. It felt like someone was wringing the life out of the heart I have for her. What is the world record for tears shed? I'm pretty sure God knows, as He holds me every time my heart is torn open and collects those tears I cry. He knew how many tears I would cry long ago.
I found that night that when my heart hurts so deeply and minutes of heart-wrenching tears turn into hours, the only hope I have is to talk to God, my Comforter. He understands pain and suffering. He is the only One who is with me during every terrifying moment. He has heard every hurtful comment that has prodded my heart. He feels my isolation. He gives me hope, reminding me that I will be alright.
And that thought finally came to mind, You will be alright. I relaxed a little and sensed God was telling me, It isn't over yet, loved one. He was right.
The past few days have felt like hurts piling on top of hurts. My aching heart cries out again at her death, which feels like extreme injustice. How can this be right?! And yet, this has helped me love my Savior more than ever and has powerfully drawn me to Him like nothing else. For that, I rejoice.
I also understand that He is teaching me to mirror His grace. When it feels like even the dearest person does not begin to comprehend my hurt, I have no choice but to exercise grace. When a well-meaning person has no idea how hurtful their words are, it feels good to exercise grace. What other choice do I have? I can easily see how hurt people turn angry. But I don’t have the energy to be angry… or the right to be angry.
My heart for Mia will never be removed. I also don't think it will even shrink over the years and feel less hurt. Instead, somehow with God's help He will get me through this.
Oh, please Lord, help me to enjoy being gracious. I know I don't deserve Your grace. Help me to offer it up joyfully to those around me. Forgive me and make me supernaturally more like You. Turn my hurts into love for others.
Fill my heart with your Love and bind up my wounds yet again. When I feel alone, turn my heart to You. Help me to remember that You are the only One meant to satisfy me.
Let me be thankful. Help me to rejoice in Your goodness and in Your gifts to me. Show me how to honor my daughter’s life.
Teach me how to live without Mia.