Some people have asked me about my being a mom to Noah, Gavin, Mia, and two other children. I am blessed to have THREE children in Heaven... of course, I'd rather have them here. When we had been married a few years and I was teaching fifth grade, we wanted so badly to be parents. After more than a year of trying, I began to think I might never be a mother. I had been praying and praying. We finally found out we were pregnant, only to lose our first child when I was ten weeks pregnant. The circumstances were jarring, but God faithfully walked me through every part that followed.
Even though the doctors were happy that I had miscarried("It means you can get pregnant."), it was very difficult for me. I was not so convinced that it was a good thing. After that miscarriage, I really felt like I might never be a mother. I remember watching Kellie Coffey's song "I Would Die for That" on YouTube with tears flowing down my cheeks(okay, I'm pretty sure everyone would- it's a tear-jerker.). I remember the feeling that I might never hear a child call me "Mommy".
We were ecstatic to be pregnant again in 2007 with our son, Noah Dylan. I marveled at the velvety skin God gave him... the perfect eyes... those lungs! What a joy it was to be his Mommy. That little guy has been through quite a bit- it's a good thing God gave him a strong personality. He's a brave boy.
I feel for those women who are not mothers after many years or who might not ever have a baby. I can't say that I know exactly how it feels: I have two healthy children and three children in Heaven. I do know two things for sure: it hurts more than you can say, and God is faithful.
In the summer of 2009, we became pregnant again. I was shocked to begin miscarrying my third child on the first day of school. Thankfully, it was not the traumatic experience that the first one had been. And my colleagues and school administration were very kind. Not too long after, we became pregnant with Gavin Derrick. What a lovable guy he is! He has made me laugh often through my many tears.
Then there was Mia Caroline. I found out last year that I was pregnant with her. It seemed surreal, until I discovered I was having a baby girl. My daughter. I thoroughly enjoyed planning her nursery. She came to Europe with Derrick and I when I was four months pregnant. She kicked for the first time after dessert during our first-class flight across the Atlantic Ocean(we were upgraded)! When she arrived, I was delighted to be immersed in LittleGirlLand, happily picking out her dresses each morning.
I'm not sure that the newness of Mia ever wore off. Was it that she was only with us eight weeks? Was it that I just remember it with rose-colored glasses? I have to stop myself when I begin to say, "She was taken too soon." No, I know God took her right on time. The number of her days was ordained long ago. I'm grateful for each one, even though the memories are painfully sweet.
I didn't always take comfort in having Mia and my other two children with Jesus. Now I jokingly brag, "I have three in the bank!" Three of my children are already with their sweet Savior. And I know some mommies with many more already there.
So, I'm a mother of three in heaven. And I expect that the heartaches are not over. Noah and Gavin didn't receive a free-pass for an easy life. I'm pretty sure that life will continue to be hard. Derrick and I shudder to think that we might ever lose another child. But God will continue to be infinitely loving. He knows me better than I know myself. God, You have put a new song in my heart. Through my tears I will run to You. Your love is sweeter than life. Oh, and give my kids a kiss from their mama.