|My Mia Wreath.|
As the days dwindle before Mia's 1st Birthday on Monday and before my due date on Tuesday, I feel the need to get one last post in during what has been a unique season of my life- being pregnant and grieving.
My husband now mocks me for frequently telling people, "I have been pregnant for 18 of the last 20 months!" Please don't give him more material by telling him that I just learned that elephants have the longest gestation of any land animal at about 19-22 months. Not quite the same, I know; I just never thought I could be pregnant so long and still feel alright. I have to laugh and be thankful at the blessing of having had two babies grow within my stretchy abdomen over the past two years. And for a woman who once thought children would never enter the picture, I am so very thankful.
Although these two back-to-back pregnancies have taken me by surprise, Mia and this boy have been part of God's plan. I wonder if some people get tired of me referring to God- His plan, His goodness, His grace... but I've come to see so clearly how every day, every little occurrence is under His tender control. When I'm more aware of His merciful control over life, I can relax and feel peaceful. He already sees the entire picture of my life, and I get to find out along the way.
I feel like I need to let you in on some of the really honest truth of what it's like to be pregnant and grieving. It has been very good, but it has not been easy.
I feel like I've made it through this pregnancy by the skin of my teeth at times. I wandered around in a fog for much of it. It's all been too much for me. Did pregnancy hormones make my pain feel deeper? Grieving a child has felt a lot like my life was ending- like I could hardly continue living. I'm not sure it would have been easier if I had not been pregnant, and it may have been even harder. I'll never know for sure.
Many strong emotions have surfaced lately, and I haven't slept much for the past few weeks. I have felt like this baby is going to be Mia. I have felt like the same thing is going to happen again to this child. I have not felt the sheer joy and excitement of having a new baby that can carry you through a lot of the sleeplessness. I have felt a lot of dread. I fight anxiety. I have been actively battling lies that my mind tries to entertain.
With that being said, God has been extremely good. When I feel like I'm overwhelmed, it forces me to be quiet before the Lord. I can fall apart when I'm alone and plead with the Lord. I have no choice but to fall headlong into His strength. It's a very hard and very sweet place to reside- in dependence upon God. I'm falling short in many areas and I trust Him that He'll make my efforts right somehow.
Loved ones have been extremely good. Family and friends continue to show us their love and support in personal ways. I can't wait to have this new little guy in my arms. I imagine that I'm going to fall deeply in love with him.
It will be hard, and he won't take away missing Mia.
For now, I'm humbly thanking God for His goodness through it all.