Saturday, April 6, 2013

Pregnant and Grieving

Taken 2-27-13.
My Mia Wreath.

As the days dwindle before Mia's 1st Birthday on Monday and before my due date on Tuesday, I feel the need to get one last post in during what has been a unique season of my life- being pregnant and grieving.

My husband now mocks me for frequently telling people, "I have been pregnant for 18 of the last 20 months!" Please don't give him more material by telling him that I just learned that elephants have the longest gestation of any land animal at about 19-22 months.  Not quite the same, I know; I just never thought I could be pregnant so long and still feel alright.  I have to laugh and be thankful at the blessing of having had two babies grow within my stretchy abdomen over the past two years.  And for a woman who once thought children would never enter the picture, I am so very thankful.

Although these two back-to-back pregnancies have taken me by surprise, Mia and this boy have been part of God's plan.  I wonder if some people get tired of me referring to God- His plan, His goodness, His grace... but I've come to see so clearly how every day, every little occurrence is under His tender control.  When I'm more aware of His merciful control over life, I can relax and feel peaceful.  He already sees the entire picture of my life, and I get to find out along the way.

I feel like I need to let you in on some of the really honest truth of what it's like to be pregnant and grieving.  It has been very good, but it has not been easy.

I feel like I've made it through this pregnancy by the skin of my teeth at times.  I wandered around in a fog for much of it.  It's all been too much for me.  Did pregnancy hormones make my pain feel deeper?  Grieving a child has felt a lot like my life was ending- like I could hardly continue living.  I'm not sure it would have been easier if I had not been pregnant, and it may have been even harder.  I'll never know for sure.

Many strong emotions have surfaced lately, and I haven't slept much for the past few weeks.  I have felt like this baby is going to be Mia.  I have felt like the same thing is going to happen again to this child.  I have not felt the sheer joy and excitement of having a new baby that can carry you through a lot of the sleeplessness.  I have felt a lot of dread.  I fight anxiety.  I have been actively battling lies that my mind tries to entertain.

With that being said, God has been extremely good.  When I feel like I'm overwhelmed, it forces me to be quiet before the Lord.  I can fall apart when I'm alone and plead with the Lord.  I have no choice but to fall headlong into His strength.  It's a very hard and very sweet place to reside- in dependence upon God.  I'm falling short in many areas and I trust Him that He'll make my efforts right somehow.

Loved ones have been extremely good.  Family and friends continue to show us their love and support in personal ways.  I can't wait to have this new little guy in my arms.  I imagine that I'm going to fall deeply in love with him.

It will be hard, and he won't take away missing Mia.

For now, I'm humbly thanking God for His goodness through it all.


  1. Real and honest, and I think any one of us would feel the exact same things. Thank you for sharing. As someone who has lost a child, I sometimes dread the idea of being pregnant again and to go through it at the same exact time one year later. Wow. That must be so hard. I didn't want to do it two years later at the same time of year so we are still waiting. Yet I know like you that it's all in God's hand and He will carry us through. I pray His blessings on you, especially this week.


  2. You remind me of Much-Afraid (from Hinds Feet on High Places). I think you are very courageous to walk through the pain and still keep sight of God's goodness....

    “She bent forward to look, then gave a startled little cry and drew back. There was indeed a seed lying in the palm of his hand, but it was shaped exactly like a long, sharply-pointed thorn… ‘The seed looks very sharp,’ she said shrinkingly. ’Won’t it hurt if you put it into my heart?’

    He answered gently, ‘It is so sharp that it slips in very quickly. But, Much-Afraid, I have already warned you that Love and Pain go together, for a time at least. If you would know Love, you must know pain too.’

    Much-Afraid looked at the thorn and shrank from it. Then she looked at the Shepherd’s face and repeated his words to herself. ’When the seed of Love in your heart is ready to bloom, you will be loved in return,’ and a strange new courage entered her. She suddenly stepped forward, bared her heart, and said, ‘Please plant the seed here in my heart.’

    His face lit up with a glad smile and he said with a note of joy in his voice, ‘Now you will be able to go with me to the High Places and be a citizen in the Kingdom of my Father.’

    Then he pressed the thorn into her heart. It was true, just as he had said, it did cause a piercing pain, but it slipped in quickly and then, suddenly, a sweetness she had never felt or imagined before tingled through her. It was bittersweet, but the sweetness was the stronger. She thought of the Shepherd’s words, ‘It is so happy to love,’ and her pale, sallow cheeks suddenly glowed pink and her eyes shown. For a moment Much-Afraid did not look afraid at all.”

    ― Hannah Hurnard, Hinds' Feet on High Places

  3. Hi Ruth-
    Praying for you this week as you remember your precious Mia.
    Much, much love,